Warm Weather Woes

After what seemed like an interminable Texas winter (because a Texas winter usually lasts about two weeks, served in non-consecutive days from late December to mid February), the mercury in the thermometer is finally creeping up.

Today, the outdoor temperature got UP to a glorious 91 degrees.  In October, I’ll be saying it got DOWN to a glorious 91 degrees.

It has been an absolute blast to see my children playing outside these last few days, inventing new games with their neighborhood friends,  entertaining themselves until I break the spell by calling them in for dinner.  But as I have been enjoying the warmth outside with them, there has been a persistently bothersome notion festering in the back of my mind.  I’ve tried to ignore it, but the truth is I can no longer escape the inevitable.

It’s time to break out the self-tanner.

My genetic components do not contain the type of melanin that allows my skin to tan.  I’m not like albino or anything; I simply do not and can not tan.  My skin is so fair (see also: pale, peaked, ghostly, vampire-ish) that I rarely find foundation light enough.

And I’ve heard it ALL.

“Why don’t you go in the sun more?”

“You should try a tanning bed.”

“Hey, Casper!”

To add insult to injury, I have dark hair.  That might not seem like any big thing, until it’s YOU living with the fact that the dark hair in the follicles in your legs make it look as though you’re a perpetually poorly-skilled (or worse, NEGLIGENT) shaver.

Then there’s the cancer risk:

Family history? Check!

Fair skin? Check!

Light eyes? Check!

Light hair? I wish, but sadly, no. See shaving problems above.

So, when it’s time to break out the shorts, I know that it’s time to also break out the self-tanner.  The past few years, I’ve used a self-tanner from Bath and Body Works that was good enough.  My general motto in life is “good enough.”  Because I’m not Scrooge McDuck sliding down my piles of gold coins every evening, I don’t have a lot of time and resources to put into finding the “ultimate” or “best ever” so good enough works for me.

Recently, though, I read somewhere that another great drugstore brand to try is the Banana Boat Summer Color Self Tanning Lotion Deep Dark Color.  I usually avoid any self-tanner that uses the words “deep” and “dark” because I’m usually just going for a more subtle “just cuts down the glare a little bit” shade of color.  But because I’m crazy and spontaneous, I threw caution to the wind and decided to give this product a whirl.


My first impression is that this product looks EXACTLY like poop when you expel it into your hand.

(Sidenote: I hate the word sq–rt, particularly in the above sentence when paired with the idea of poop.  So I googled for synonyms, but is “expel” any better?  Any suggestions how to convey the action of “sq–rt” in a more acceptable term?  Evict? Emit? My neuroses have crippled me here.)

Seriously.  Every time I emitted (???) another amount from the tube into my palm, I was filled anew with a combination of disgust and intrigue.  My old standy from BBW was a lovely, glittery, bronze lotion.  This stuff looks like the “smiling pile of poo” emoticon (minus the smile).

The MAJOR plus side so  far is that this product is almost completely absent that characteristic self-tanner smell. In the morning, I’ll have a better idea if the color is at all flattering for my skin tone, although people may not trust my “good enough” definition of flattering, because when it comes to self-tanner, my philosophy is that even fake orange-y legs look better in shorts than fish-belly white legs.  Just the fact that I applied this product tonight is a win for all humankind.  Trust me.



*I’m not being compensated in any way for this post and I have no affiliation whatsoever with Banana Boat.       


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